Healing and Integrating Shadow

Everyone has Shadow. It is the side of us that usually makes us uncomfortable things we are not particularly proud of or even fond of showing others (or are embarrassed when someone sees our Shadow side). 

We can’t get rid of Shadow. It is part of us. All of us.  And it is part of our wholeness. We are whole, even despite the things that make us uncomfortable. 

Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it…But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected. 

~ Carl Jung

Unfortunately, we often do not feel whole because of Shadow. 

Our Shadow side can include:

Difficult emotions, hidden traumas, “wild desires”, complexes, negative thought patterns, shame, guilt, regret, aggressiveness, anger, unconscious fears, unresolved emotions. 

Even though these can be difficult, they do make us “bad”.  We are uncomfortable because we also identify that we are separate from others. That other people do not experience these thoughts, emotions, or behaviors and therefore we are different than others. As previously stated, the reality is, we all have Shadow. While some people could potentially reject us if they knew or experienced our Shadow side, the people who care for us typically show us understanding and compassion (unless of course they are responding from their Shadow side—Eeeek! Being human can create so much stress!). 

 A man who is unconscious of himself acts in a blind, instinctive and is in addition fooled by all the illusions that arise when he sees everything he is not conscious of in himself coming to meet him from outside as projections upon his neighbor.  ~Carl Jung 

When Shadow arises, we may withdraw or lash out or completely freeze. It can be a confusing time if we are still resisting witnessing, understanding, and integrating our Shadow. 

When people are “stuck” in Shadow they go to great lengths (unconsciously or consciously) to avoid being viewed as weak or flawed, uninformed, or lacking knowledge, vulnerable, wrong, or different. 

Knowing your shadow self is vital if you wish to bring harmony into your life. 

~ Carl Jung

Here is the secret to Shadow. To feel whole, we need to heal OUR feelings about OUR Shadow and allow for the integration of Shadow as part of us to have space. We do this by sending our Shadow side love, compassion, and kindness.  Instead of emotionally or mentally beating ourselves us when Shadow emerges. Instead of hiding parts of ourselves from others, to save face. Instead of pretending that if we ignore it or medicate it enough (through shopping, gambling, exercise, alcohol/drugs, sex, etc.) it will cease to exist. 

Here is another secret to Shadow. Shadow is its smallest when our Light shines its brightest. And when does that happen?  When we practice sending kindness and compassion to ourselves.  When we deeply and completely love ourselves. When we learn to (FINALLY!) accept ourselves; warts and all. This allows our Light to shine its brightest. We are our most genuine and authentic. We glow from the inside and lead with our Light instead of Shadow. 

Through integrating and healing our Shadow:

1. We can improve our self-esteem, especially as we begin to support a more stable sense of worth and value.

2. We can increase our confidence, as Shadow no longer holds us back. 

3. We can adopt a healthy mindset and give ourselves permission to take risks, make hard choices, and establish healthier behaviors. 

4. We can increase our satisfaction in relationships as we no longer engage in unhealthy power struggles and protect healthy boundaries. 

5. We can increase our healthy communication as we give voice to our needs and practice verbalizing our needs in those moments. 

6. We can also increase and adopt healthier self-soothing strategies instead of trying to mask or cover our pain, we meet our pain where it is at and support it lovingly. 

7. By healing and integrating our Shadow, we begin to recognize that other people have a Shadow side as well. Instead of taking their Shadow moments personally, we are more able to send them love and forgiveness as they try to navigate their own missteps and miscommunications. 

Healing and integrating Shadow is not a one-and-done event, like everything along our individual personal growth path, it is a process. And Shadow work can be challenging. 

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. ~ Carl Jung

I encourage people who are considering beginning healing and integrating Shadow with the support and guidance of trained professionals, such as a therapist.  This is especially encouraged if you have significant unresolved trauma. 

If you would like to begin exploring Shadow on your own remember not to judge and criticize yourself when you do notice Shadow arises. Simply notice and be curious. 

Here are several techniques to try: 

1. Observe your dreams. Grab a notebook and jot down what you can remember from your dreams. Are there images or feelings that created unease or stress during the dream? Notice these and reflect on what they could be representing. Are there any patterns? 

2. Keep that notebook handy. Jot down experiences, interactions or events during the day that elicited a negative thought or feeling for you. Notice and reflect why you were triggered or were reactive.  If anger was stirred, what emotion might be under the anger (often anger is a mechanism to keep Shadow protected)?  Is there a pattern? 

3. Observe an experience from the past. Look at an experience in the past that triggered negative emotions. Was there a message (implied or verbalized) that an emotion, need, or desire was “bad” or “wrong”? How did you feel in that moment? What were thoughts then and now about that experience and who you were at your core? How might that experience be different if you were met with love, compassion, and understanding instead of a negative response? What might the other person’s response say about their Shadow? 

4. Find new ways of creative expression. Paint, draw, write, create collages, sing, etc., to express your emotions. Give yourself, all of yourself, permission to express your emotions, thoughts, and needs freely and authentically. Don’t judge the final product. Simply allow the process to unfold. This can be especially beneficial if you struggle to journal or are drawn to images more than words or written expression. 

5. Notice your inner dialogue and self-narrative.  Notice when you are using critical or self-limiting thinking. Reframe those thoughts with something more realistic (and hopefully more kind). Practice using supportive or affirming thoughts when Shadow thoughts arise. Examples of affirmations:

Healing and Integrating Shadow Affirmations: 

• I am not defined by my mistakes or missteps.

• I am not defined by my challenging moments.

• I choose to forgive myself for any missteps or moments arising from my Shadow.

• My light is stronger than my Shadow. 

• I choose to move forward and heal. 

• When I bravely face my difficult thoughts and emotions; I grow.

• When I lovingly see myself as whole; I thrive. 

• I choose to forgive others for their Shadow moments.

Whether you choose to work with a therapist or other trained professional or attempt to navigate Shadow on your own, know that this is a wonderful exercise in increasing self-understanding and self-mastery, but also can greatly improve your overall wellbeing.  When you learn to accept yourself, when you practice loving kindness and compassion you actively improve your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellness. 

Wishing your love, kindness, and compassion on your journey to wholeness, 

Mary